Pretty safe to vent here... and it is a pity party blog

I don't have to worry about my family reading this so I am safe to "vent" here.

I was recently told that I was a hateful person and that I don't do anything for anyone. I find that so hard to believe. I mean, I have given up the 1st year of my marriage to be here. We pay for anything that is needed, we have NO alone time, I have no friends because I sit in this house. I do so much more than what I should be expected to do.

But I am so hateful. I guess I am. I am becoming angry that I have given up everything and am treated like crap. My family doesn't call and check on me, its all about Billy/Mom/Desiree. I don't care anymore. But you know if I was so hateful, then I guess I could move to be with my husband and leave everything behind. Yet, I am not that person. I am here to make sure Billy is taken care of. I am here because it would be more devastating to my son to take him away from his Popop at this time. I am here because I know it couldn't be done. David thinks I should leave. But it has everything to do with everyone else and nothing to do about me.

When I was told how hateful I am and that I hate everyone. I was told that EVERYONE sees how I treat people. How I am the one that makes things unbearable. I am the cause of all the problems and everyone sees that. Wow.. what a great thing to say, huh?

I have lost so much. My sister only calls when it is about her and then blames it on me when I say something about it. The rest of my family isn't here. I have lost almost all my friends, cause nobody wants to deal with what I have to deal with. But yet I don't do anything.

Can I be selfish and ask when will it be about me? When will someone step back and say Thanks for everything you have done. I guess never. It will always be about someone else..

It's Past Time

Wow. Where has time went? I will never know. But I have decided a few things that might help our situation.

If you know me, you know I read more than should be allowed. David has told me that if I keep reading I will turn into a book! =) I like to read my Christian Romance novels and books with good story lines. I have been reading alot of Karen Kingsbury books lately. And the one thing I have figured out from her books is that life is worth living. It doesn't matter how bad it is, or how bad it can get, it can get better.

I have been angry with God because of what is going on in my life. Why didn't He take Billy or heal him? Why is my family going through what we are? But I have decided it is time to allow God to lead and not question Him. That will be hard cause I question everything and I worry more than I read, but I know God will fix it all. I just have to put Him first. He will come before anything else. I will start to put my faith above all else and I know He will take care of me and mine. But where do I start? I need to let go of the angry feelings, the bitterness, the uneasiness I feel. The only way I can do that is to give it up. I will give it up to Him and He will heal me.

I have learned that after He is back where He should be that life will start to get better. I might not be able to live with my hubby but I can love him with everything I have. I can be the wife he deserves. I can give him the time he needs and show him that he is my everything.

I can be a better mother. I can love my child like God loves me. I can give him what he needs. The discipline to make sure he grows up to be a great person, the stability he craves and to hold his hand when his emotions get the better of him.

I can be that friend that I once was. I can show my girls just how much they mean to me. If it just talking to them, or cooking them dinner. I can be there for them.

I can be a much better caregiver for my stepdad. I can pray over him and know that however it turns out that God will heal. I can love him and talk to him and treat him like nothing has changed.

I can be a better daugther. I can understand that my mom is going through more than she should ever have to. I can be more patient and more loving. I can let her vent, or cry and just hold her hand.

Life is full of options for us all. What we do with them is what will decide our future. I have decided it is time to take control of mine and let God lead the way.

Can you help? Can you pray that I find the strength to be that person everyday? Can you send me encourging words? Can you help me find the person I once was and that God will help me be that person?

6 Months already

Wow, where has the time went? As of last Friday David and I have been married for 6 months. What a great time it has been. We were truly blessed to find each other.

David has been traveling a bit with work. In February he went to Colorado for a week, and just last week he was in Minnesota. While in MN he did get to visit with my Dad, Peggy and Desiree. I was happy for that!

Nicholaus is doing well. He won 1st place, again, for raising the most money in the Jump Rope for Heart! He is really happy. His grades are great and he is playing baseball again.

There are no changes in Billy. We just take it one day at a time and continue to pray for our miracle.

Life as we know it....

It has been about a month since I have last blogged. I figure it is time.

Billy came home on the 19th of January. What a transition, what a new job. He is like having a new born baby at home. But only worse. A baby you can sleep when they sleep and they tend not to wake you unless they cry. With Billy every sound wakes you up. You worry that he needs to be suctioned or that his cath might come off. Then his high volume nebulizer is loud and goes through alot of sterile water. So you have to get up like 2 times at night to fill it up. LOL

But taking care of Billy is rewarding. To make sure he gets him meds on time, to wash his face, to just sit and watch him... very rewarding. Mom keeps telling me that I should become a nurse and David keeps telling me to finish my first degree!! =)

The benefit for Billy was on the 7th of February. What a success that was. I got there early. And to watch all those bikes keep coming in. Can you say WOW!!! There were at least 125 bikes. (And for those that don't know when I say bikes, I mean Harleys) Then I was able to watch them all leave to go to the first stop on the poker run. It brought tears to my eyes. Mom was extremely overwhelmed also. It was such a great day. There was the poker run, a plate sale, a bake sale, a silent auction... and the proceeds came back to Billy and Mom. Alot of money was raised. It is a very refreshing feeling.

That night Billy was rushed back to the hospital. He had a rectal fever of a 103.6 and it wasn't going down. They ended up diagnosising him with pneumonia and a UTI. On top of it he is suceptible to contracting MRCA for the next 6 to 8 weeks. He came home on Valentines Day.

So we were starting our 4th week home when he ended back up at the hospital. So we are starting over.

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David and I just spent our very first valentines together. We have been together for 4 Valentines and this is the first one we got to spend together and it is our first married one!! I am so blessed. My wonderful husband bought me flowers and sent some to my mom. (He knew how tough it was going to be for her...) He then bought me a sapphire necklace. It is pink/white and its a heart. He knows how much I love them. And of course he got me my favorite candy!! I have the best husband in the world.

He has stood beside my family this entire time. He comes in on Friday and jumps right in. He is my backbone in this tough time!!

We are still leaving seperate but with the current situation, we just enjoy the time we have on the weekend. Hopefully we will be able to have some alone time before long. We, as a newly married couple, need it.

Nic is doing great. To freakin' smart for me. We just got his second report card and he made honor roll again. In the mist of everything going on and he still made honor roll. I am so proud of him. We FINALLY got his EOG report for last year and he did AWESOME. He made a 4 (the highest you can make) in math, basically he is part of the top 12% in math in the state. He made a 3 in reading but still is part of the top 30% in the state. He scored above the state score, school score in both tests! Can you say proud mommie!!

If you made it this far... good job!! LOL

Keep Adam Crumpton in your prayers. He is leaving for Iraq today!! Also keep my cousin Kristy in your prayers. Life is not being so nice to her right now...

Love to all of you!

Friday is the day

Well this week Billy will be home. It was supposed to be this evening, that got moved to Thursday morning, and now we are on Friday. So Friday is the day.

I have been on the phone with Family Medical Supply. What wonderful women. Faye, the lady helping with Billys' case, has bent over backwards. We are getting a new bed, with a new mattress. She recommeneded a home health care agency, she even called the case manager at the hospital and told him she wouldn't have the stuff here till tomorrow afternoon. She is a God send!

Due to her recommendation I have picked a Home health care agency. I just hope they are efficient as Faye says they are.

As you can see I am saying "I" alot. Some how I have been delegated to handle these discissions that will affect Billy and his home health care. I just pray I chose the right ones. If not, then we know who will get blamed.

I have spent SEVERAL SEVERAL days cleaning and orginizing and rearranging to make room. Thanks to Jennifer and Shelly, who spent hours helping me. David, bless him, helped me rearragne the furniture and packing crap. Lets just pray it is good enough for everyone else.

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Life is so hectic right now. I just pray for strength.

What a long road..

It has been awhile since I have posted anything, so I felt like it was time.

Billy has been in the hospital, as of today, for 58 days. We were scheduled to bring him home on Monday, the 12th. But we have ran into some obstacles the past few days. So needless to say we aren't bringing him home.

He has received 6units of blood and a unit of plasma. They did an endoscopy but it came back clean, so no bleed there. Then they scheduled a CAT Scan but before that could be done his right thigh swelled. So they scheduled a doplar to go with that. They both came back "ok." The doctor ordered another CAT scan on his leg and that came back that there is a pool of blood in the back of his thigh. His right thigh is, as of this afternoon, 6 inches bigger than his left thigh. Basically they are not going to do anything about it but watch it. His thigh is very very tight and it looks so uncomfortable. But they don't know where the blood is coming from or why it is pooling there. So we have no answers right now.

As of this morning his blood counts were alittle higher than yesterday but we are very wary of those tests. When Uncle David was in the hospital, with a GI bleed, his numbers would be ok one hour and then within the next few hours they would drop. So who knows what is truthfully going to happen.

His kidney output hasn't been that great. They are giving him medicine to make him pee. Which at least is keeping his kidneys operational. But they are worried about that.

He has been running a fever of at least a 100 for the past couple weeks. The infectious disease doctor thinks it is related to his leg. But I don't buy that. The condition in his leg just popped up. This fever did not. The fever will break after he is given tylenol but as soon as it wears off the fever is back.

So we are just sitting and waiting. It is scarey but what happens will happen!

There is a benefit planned on the 7th of February for Billy n Mom. If you want more information, please let me know!!

Thanks for all the prayers. We really need them and appreciate them.

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David and I have been married over 3 months now. And other than the situation with Billy, it is going great. We are really learning how to communicate better and how to love each other better. He is so wonderful with Nic. I have always known that David was going to be the best dad, but watching him with Nic it really shows.

God blessed our family with David. He has really stepped up to make sure my family doesn't fall apart with everything going on. He doesnt complain and he holds my hand. I am so glad he chose to marry me and not someone else!! ;)

Nic is doing good. He had a GREAT Christmas, other than the obvious. He is growing and he is trying so hard to be the man of the house.

I hope to post again soon!!

30 days

Where did our month go? Oh, that's right, at REX. This morning at 12:30ish is when Billys heart attack happened. From the first meeting with the doctor in CCU and hearing "What you see is what you will have for the rest of his life" to yesterday watching Billy move his shoulders (and no its not postering) and move his feet, is nothing short of a miracle.

I was starting to clean the living room, so that way when Billy comes home I won't have much to keep up, and I found a door "knocker" that says "Miracles happen above us, so always be looking up." That is the truth. Everyday we are watching a miracle take place. We had a doctor tell us that if Billy recovers, it would be front page news and we told him to remember Billy's name cause God is in control.

I wish you could see him. To go back in the beginning, on the 10th of November, and watch him everyday. You would see such continuous improvement. No he may not be talking (he is trached), or able to move on demand right now, but he is responding to touch, he is responding to people. You say HI to him and he tries, with his mouth, to say HI back. Mom will give him a kiss and tell him "if you want another one, close your mouth." And he will. He is making facial expressions. He has what I call the "Elvis Lip," which he uses when he is aggrivated or doesn't like something. He has a very light smile, and he yawns when he gets "bored."

God tells us to believe in Him. To give Him our problems and to know that He will solve them. But He also tells us that He will help those who helps themselves. We know that God will heal Billy. We know that by His hand, Billy will be healed. We also know that when it happens, the doctors, who have told my mom "Whats it going to take 3, 6, 9, or even 12 months watching your loved one in this state, before you realize we were right and he isn't improving," will take the credit for Billy, but it won't be them. It will be because of the grace of God and no one else.

Thank you all for the prayers. We have a long road to go down and can't do it without your continous prayers and support.